TINY TANK. BIG DICK ENERGY.

Check out these
little fuckers!

PLEASE DON'T TAP THE GLASS.
The Dickuarium screen: four swimmers, plants, rocks and a treasure chest
ONLY
$69.69YES, REALLY.

Meet your new crew of
baloney batons.

Feed them. Grow them. Try not to get them too excited.

Buy on Etsy

Because standing up an ecommerce site for something this stupid would be an even more colossal waste of time.

NO APP ✳ NO ACCOUNT ✳ NO CLOUD ✳ NO SHIT
HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR COCKS

Low maintenance.
High immaturity.

  1. Plug in.

    Power with any USB-C cable and watch this sausage party cum to life.

  2. Feed the phalluses.

    Press the filter on top or use your phone. Watch them engorge themselves with nourishment.

  3. Practice restraint.

    The sins of the flesh can get your dongs a little too excited.

NO APP. NO ACCOUNT. NO SUBSCRIPTION BULLSHIT.

Setting it up

Plug in, join the tank's Wi-Fi with the password on the card, open http://dick.tank. That's it. The full walkthrough lives at didyoufeedthedicks.com/setup, and the tag on the side of the tank takes your phone there too: to this guide when you're online, straight to the tank's settings when you're on its Wi-Fi.

Setup guide

THE FINE PRINT, WITHOUT THE FINE PRINT.

Questions you were going to ask

Is it safe for work?
Fuck no.
Does it need the internet?
Not really, but kinda. Your phone talks to it directly over the tank's own Wi-Fi, and the tank keeps working if you never open the settings page at all. You can connect to your home Wi-Fi if you like; it uses that only to fetch firmware updates when you ask and to learn the date for the holiday decorations.
Does it collect anything?
Just your money, but only once. We're not Jeff Bezos here. No account, no analytics, no telemetry. This clearly is not a million dollar idea.
What is the Wi-Fi password?
"didyoufeedthedicks", but the fun part is figuring out what the Wi-Fi network is! I'm not telling, but I'm pretty sure you can figure it out.
What happens to my Dicks if I unplug the dickuarium?
What the fuck do you think happens? It resets. When your computer is acting up, what's that annoying guy from IT always ask? Did you unplug it and plug it back in? That shit fixes everything.
How big is it?
Ohh baby, it's huge. About 69 x 39 x 47 millimetres, or in freedom units that's 2.72 x 1.54 x 1.85 inches. Hung like a fucking horse.
What is it made of?
Some 3d printed shit, wires, and some electronic stuff you really don’t care about. I did it all myself. I'm handy like that.
Returns?
Grow the fuck up. If it arrives broken I'll make sure you get a working one. This isn’t Nordstrom.