TINY TANK. BIG DICK ENERGY.

Check out these
little fuckers!

PLEASE DON'T TAP THE GLASS.
The Dickuarium screen: four cocks, plants, rocks and a treasure chest
ONLY
$69.69YES, REALLY.

Meet your new crew of
baloney batons.

Feed them. Grow them. Try not to get them too excited.

Buy on Etsy

Because standing up an ecommerce site for something this stupid would be an even more colossal waste of time.

NO APP ✳ NO ACCOUNT ✳ NO CLOUD ✳ JUST DICKS
HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR COCKS

Low maintenance.
High immaturity.

  1. Plug in.

    Power with any USB-C cable and watch this sausage party cum to life.

  2. Feed the phalluses.

    Press the filter on top or use your phone. Watch them engorge themselves with nourishment.

  3. Practice restraint.

    The sins of the flesh can get your dongs a little too excited.

The real Dickuarium running, with a black printed frame, blue water panels, sand trim and aquarium display Rear of the Dickuarium showing its USB-C power port The Dickuarium beside a paperclip for a size comparison

Questions you were going to ask

Is it safe for work?
Fuck no.
Does it need the internet?
Not really, but kinda. Your phone talks to it directly over the tank's own mini Wi-Fi, and the tank keeps working even if you never open the settings page. I recommend connecting it to your home Wi-Fi at least once to get the most recent firmware. That said, it only uses data to fetch firmware updates when you ask and to learn the date for the holiday decorations. I know how stingy people are with their bandwidth.
Does it collect anything?
Just your money, but only once. I'm not Jeff Bezos or the Zuck. No account, no analytics, no telemetry. This clearly is not a million dollar idea.
Are the dicks gay?
Bro, get real. You're about to buy a mini tank of disembodied penises and you want to know their sexuality? Why, are you homophobic or were you planning on breeding them? Actually, that's not a terrible idea. Maybe for my next version. Thanks!
Can I control the color of the dicks?
You racist piece of shit. No. You can't. These schlongs choose their color at random when you plug the tank in. I hope you get a tank full of the opposite dick color you were looking for. Serves you right!
What happens to my dicks if I unplug the dickuarium?
What the fuck do you think happens? It resets. When your computer is acting up, what's that annoying guy from IT always ask? Did you unplug it and plug it back in? Nothing can survive that shit. Nothing.
How big is it?
Ohh baby, it's huge. About 69 x 39 x 47 millimetres, or in freedom units that's 2.72 x 1.54 x 1.85 inches. Hung like a fucking horse.
What is it made of?
Some 3d printed shit, wires, and some electronic stuff you really don’t care about. I did it all myself. I'm handy like that.
Returns?
Grow the fuck up. If it arrives broken I'll make sure you get a working one. This isn’t Nordstrom.
Does it have a warranty?
Oh my fucking god. Seriously? There are no moving parts, so if it breaks it's probably your fault, or at least that's what I'll assume when you try to contact me.